Looking at the woman in the mirror

Hello ladies and gents. As I'm sitting here trying to compose this post, I've come to a conclusion with myself that must be dealt with ASAP.

For the longest time (I would date back 10 years or more), I haven't been real with myself, or others. I have been carrying such an emotional burden within myself that I put on the backburner, and decided that I wouldn't talk about it, think about it, or let it have the tendency to rear its ugly head and make me see me.

Anyway, so for the past 10 years, I haven't said what I truly feel about myself, or the situations I have gotten myself into. It wasn't up until this past week someone who is a part of my past held the mirror up in front of me to make me see just how foolish I have been. I know my sister has been saying this to me for lord knows how long, but I had always turned a deaf ear to it, because I'm stubborn. Ever since I got pregnant at 18, I let alot of people down and in turn, I hurt myself. Me trying to be responsible for my actions, never took the time to stop and ask myself: "What the hell was I really doing?" Sure, I was over 2,000 miles away from all the people I have known and loved. But even then I was so frustrated with all the events that had taken place in my life before leaving for college, I was ready to go someplace new, start from scratch and be around people whom never knew what life I left behind.

So as I was in college, I had a tendency to "wild out" a bit too much, and in turn got pregnant. I'm sure I may have been talked about, but never did I hear my name come up in general conversation about whom I slept with. If there was anything I wasn't about to let get out of control, was the type of reputation I had and all the reasons why. I feel like karma caught up with my ass, because once I met my son's father, my rational thought was thrown to the wind. He and I were friends, and then next thing we ended up becoming intimate. Once sex got involved, it was a wrap. Then karma really did me in, because once he found out I was pregnant... you get the idea. I wasn't in love with him, but I sure enough was in strong like. But of course, the feeling wasn't mutual. He went on with his life, and never thought twice about me or our son.

Flash forward 6 years later, and another child, different father. Our relationship had long ended, but we were still holding on to each other. Here I am: alone, with children, and still avoiding myself. I'm sure at this point to my family, I ain't worth shit buried in a hole. But I truly doubt they were going to actually come out and say that shit to me. They didn't have to, it was written on their faces. The disgust and disappointment of yet another mistake of getting pregnant again lingers. They didn't have to tell me, I already knew.

So here I am now, after the last ten years trying to play catch-up with my life. I'm still not married, still "at home" (whatever that means), and feeling like I have failed everybody, including myself. I'm not trying to sit here writing this post for others to have a pity party for me. I'm writing this, because for once in my life, I'm sick of running from myself. Sick of donning a mask and shielding myself from the rest of the world, because I'm afraid I'm going to go out and fail at it again. I've heard people say time and again that life is trial and error. But what about the part of life where you end up with error, and sometimes it's so hard to fight to stay up, that you want to give up and stay down?

Yes, ladies and gents. For once in my life, I'm finally admitting to myself that I'M ONLY HUMAN. I've put up this front to myself that I can't afford to make any more mistakes in my life than I already have. But what's done is already done, and my life is like a condemned building: DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. I messed up my life, and trying to get it half-way back to where it should have been isn't going to be easy. I try to see the proverbial glass as half-full, but in all honesty, it's half-empty. So many people can tell me that my life could have been far worse, but can't nobody walk a mile in my scuffed up shoes and tell me how I feel inside. And now that I've had to take a hard look at myself and how my life has truly turned out, I HATE IT. You've read it correctly, so don't adjust your vision or your computer screen. I hate that now I've got to look myself in the mirror and look at who it is I see.

I have to look at a woman who has been abandoned (more times than I can truly wish to count), pushed aside, knocked up, let down, hurt, angry, heartbroken, PLAYED. I can't fully place blame on others for being all these things I listed. Part of that was of my own doing, too. I'm sure there are many of you out there in the blogger world whom have read previous postings and probably thought I was a bulldog for saying some things. I'm not. Truthfully, I'm all bark with some bite. I'm not that vicious, just as my sister would put it "kind hearted", but I still believe it's a heart entrapped in an icebox.

So with that said, if you know someone who is feeling at their lowest and have taken a hard look at themselves, don't judge. Someone could truly be hurting. I know I am.