Hello ladies and gents, it's ya girl Untouched Jewel in the buildin! I'm doin my best tryin to enjoy this wonderful California weather, but social and enviromental circumstances won't seem to let that happen the way I want to, so here I am.....sitting on this computer pouring out my guts to you all.
Today my youngest son had an awards ceremony at school where he received a perfect attendance award for the month. That's a no-brainer, because he's there everyday and I gets him to school ON TIME. But while I was there, I cheered him on and was proud of him, but for the life of me I couldn't seem to get all of my feelings into it. Sure enough I had other things goin on in my mind that were bothering me (which is all the more reason I can't stand being emotional for the life of me), but I put my best face forward and kept it movin. Don't get it confused, I love and adore my boys. They are my life. But I'm at a point in my life where I feel like everything with my children has more to do with obligation than out of sheer enjoyment of raising two wonderful, smart, well articulated children. A part of me wants to live my own life, and the other part of me has to make sure that their needs and well-being come first before my own. I won't even lie, I'm conflicted. I see some of my own friends who have children that have a chance to get out and play a bit. I don't know if it has to do with how they prioritize their time or responsibilities or what. All I know is for me, it's always one extreme......doing solely for my kids while my social life lacks breathing room.
My children lack for nothing. They have a roof over their head, clothes galore to wear, plenty of food to eat and they have some sort of social interaction with other kids. That's more than what I can say for myself. If I ever get the chance to do anything, it's long after the kids have gotten through their day, gotten settled and gone to bed til the next morning. My leisure time where I can at least regain some of the sanity I do have left is far and few between. And even in all of that, I still don't have time. I know, I know......I can't complain, because this was the choice I made. I can't blame anyone for what I decided to do. I could have just taken the easy way out long time ago and never had children. That wasn't my choice. My choice was to give them a chance at life and not take it away for my own selfish reasons. It wouldn't have been fair to them. But at the same time I know what little bit of life I have to live outside of them is suffering miserably. There are days I like the comforts of being at home and relaxing. Then there are other days where I wanna get the hell out of the four walls and do like the Jill Scott song "Live my life like it's golden."
Man, I don't know.....maybe I need to revamp something in my life and make it to where both myself and my kids have a happy medium. One way for certain is to get the fuck out from around all these damn people I live with, because they drive me damn nuts! LOL. Maybe there's an inner peace I haven't achieved within myself which may be the reason I don't enjoy parenthood like I want to. *shrugs* I just wish for once in my life circumstances would work out on my behalf. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to make changes, but they don't seem to come around fast enough for me. Oh well....such is life.
Until Next Post,
Peace & Blessings,
Untouched Jewel
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