Gotta say so much has taken place since I last wrote here, but I wanna get this out, because I believe if I don't, I'm gonna go nuts!
Well of course yesterday was Valentine's Day.....the "day of love". Well.....it wasn't that kinda day for me. I always hear people (guys for the most part) talk about fuck that day, because it's so commercialized and it's only out for people spending money when love can be shown all year long, yada, yada, yada. Let me ask you this: what other day is delegated for showing love throughout the year? Don't worry, I'll wait...........EXACTLY. Sure Valentine's Day is supposed to be the day for love, but I wasn't shown shit. No flowers, no candy, no date, nothin!
It's been so to the point where I stayed logged off of both of my Facebook accounts the whole day last year and this year. I got tired of people showin off their posts and pics of the shit they got, the dates they went on, and all the fun they had while I sat at home after work doin absolutely nothin with nobody. The only exciting thing I did was drown my sorrows in gumbo, and yes it was quite good. Lol. Yes, I had a fat ass moment that lasted only for a moment.
I'm not gonna even front or put on airs right now. Yesterday damn near depressed me. I felt like an afterthought. And what kinda added insult to injury was a "friend" called me up wanting to have phone sex. Dude, really?! I'm feeling fucked off on some emo shit and you wanna call me for a phone bone and go about your business? Boy, bye! I told him I'd call him back later, but I didn't. I just went to sleep in my lonesome. Yep, lonesome.
I'm sick of being alone! Sure enough I don't want to just settle for anyone who will give me 5 minutes of attention. But dammit, being single for a long time gets so tiresome. I'm not a spring chicken by a long shot. My children aren't babies no more. I'm well out of my teens and twenties. I'll be 34 this year, and time has come and gone. I mean how long am I gonna continue to be single? When I'm my mother's age? Oh hell naw! Honestly, I don't think I would be able to handle being alone in my 50's and 60's.......FUCK THAT! I wanna share my life with someone worthwhile, even on days where I wanna be like "fool, get the hell outta my face!" Single can have its advantages, but not having steady love takes a toll. That's not a cost I'm willing to pay for. I've paid enough in almost 20 years. This shit here gotta stop somewhere. I've had my share of lovers and relationships since my teenage years. Truthfully, I'm tired! Tired of wondering of wondering if they will stay or go. Tired of wondering about their intentions are pure or full shit (and it's usually the latter). Tired of people walking into my life fast and leaving even faster. It's like a carousel ride......hop on when they want to, then get off when they get tired. I've only been in love twice, and both times have been heartbreak. I had been determined I wasn't gonna get hurt again, but the in-betweens have been nothin short of a disappointment as well. 
Look, I'm not here to complain, but this is definitely me venting from a build up of shit I've taken from the opposite sex, and I'm ready to cut out the bullshit and games. I'm not like others I know who can turn their feelings off at the drop of a hat. To start, I'm a single mother of two sons who receive 100% of my support! I'm not out in the streets or the clubs every weekend. I go to work and bring my ass home. I don't hit the mall spending all my paycheck on bullshit while my kids look like they hung with Harriet Tubman. I see too many of these ratchet broads doing that shit......unemployed, knocked up every other year, in the clubs drunk off their ass, lookin like 2 million and their kids are eatin hot dogs and top ramen every night. Yet they seem to pull a dude with no effort. WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE?!
I'm tired of making the determination that each Valentine's Day is gonna be better than the next, because it ends up the same. No matter how much optimism I give it, nothing changes. Another year lonely, dateless, and don't get shit. Yes love can be shown all year. But if it can't be shown all year, what makes me think I'm gonna get that "special" day?
Now before y'all go on the whole tangent of why don't I just love myself, let's get somethin quite straight. I love myself truly, wholeheartedly. My thing is showing love to someone else other than myself and the feelings aren't reciprocated. That's the shit I can't stand just as sure as I've had my government name. Ain't nothin like giving and someone taking. It drains me, and I'm damn near depleted of showing any sign of kindness and affection to anyone.....especially when they aren't deserving of it. I rather hold on to what I can give out unselfishly to someone who deserves it as opposed to it being wasted on someone ungrateful.
I'm not hoping for anything to be different next year or after, so it would be a surprise if it is. Other than that, don't expect my disposition to be any different. I know my sister is probably gonna read this and give me the casting pearls before swine speech. I'm not hearing that shit either! Just rather keep myself at a distance from people for awhile.
Until Next Post,
Peace & Blessings,
Untouched Jewel
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